all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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