She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
