I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
