I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
