Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
