I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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