i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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