The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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