I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
she peed on how many people?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
