Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Sorry about my life...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
