Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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