shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
