If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
