So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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