why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
