i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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