I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
