Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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