you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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