ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
