im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
last night I used snow as a chaser
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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