that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
