I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
