umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
