And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
