there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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