We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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