My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
