Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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