I accidentally had phone sex last night
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
