im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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