Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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