Redeem this text for a blowjob
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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