DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
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my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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