Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
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i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...