I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny