I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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