he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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