I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize