Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
