You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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