And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
