Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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