i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
