I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
