I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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