Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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