Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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