the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
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Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.