Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
