there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
