she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
