party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
