____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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