Apparently you make a good broom.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
