his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
