Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
