I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
