My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
