life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
