your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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