I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
