things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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