Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
